Beach Body

In a recent conversation with my therapist, I was telling him about my moment of sadness regarding my body, which sparked my previous post. I also told him I was going on vacation soon to a resort in Mexico. He asked if I was going to be comfortable going to the pool and beach, wearing a tank top or being topless. I knew there would be feelings of anxiousness, but I wanted to push through and not be worried about looks and stares.

Well that vacation just ended Sat, Sept 25th, and I must say I had a blast. Yes, I was anxious about being judged for my size. Yes, I was anxious about showing my chest. Yes, I tried to find pool chairs close to the pool so I could take my shirt off, then hop right in. However, I pushed through. Matter of fact, even went down to the beach and took a group picture with my friends; topless! Wanna see it? Here it go:

Cancun 2021; me in the red shorts

I’m proud of this picture. We all look great! I’m going to get this developed and framed!

Affirming Myself… Again

I recently had a moment of frustration regarding my body and struggle with food. It happens… I just know I cannot stay in that self-hating state for long. I also have to realize I now have the tools or at least have access to the tools that will help me reach my goals. Again, the negative things we repeat to ourselves can be detrimental. We have the power to change the story!

Things I’ll Stop SayingThings I’ll Say Moving Forward
My body is uglyI love my body and I’m taking care of it
I hate my chestMy chest makes me unique, it’s great (the boys love it)
I hate my wide backBroad backs are sexy
I can’t hold a conversationI converse about topics that heighten my interest
I have no personalityI’m witty, kind, adventurous, curious, a good person
I am not interestingI am intriguing; People remember me; I have many things going for myself
I’ll be along foreverFuck that! I’m going to gets me a Boo/Lover/Partner/Hubby
Changing My Story

40; Forty; Four-Tee

June 18th, 2021 marked my 40th trip around the Sun. I’m still in awe, like “wow, I’m really 40”. As the date approached I was feeling good; no dread and no pity party. Some self-reflection occurred, which did lead to some slight negative thoughts, such as “damn, I’m turning 40 with no Bae or potential Bae, and no kids”. Though true, those thoughts were short lived, because overall my life is great! I have what I need. I have support from family and friends. I’m employed. I have my home. I’ve done well.

I welcomed 40 with a simple celebration. I had a resort trip in mind, but didn’t plan it since I was not sure how “outside” was going to be with the pandemic still going on. I had a few of my favs join me in a beautiful garden space for dinner. It was a lovely evening with good food and drinks. Pride weekend was the following weekend, I turned up a bit. Went to a paint-and-sip, then the bar. Hit up Adults Night Out at the Zoo (it was whack). And, went up to North Halsted which was crazy packed. Black Pride weekend was then the following weekend lol. Went to a cocktail party held at the same outdoor space as my dinner. Went to an awesome day party the next day. I also spent time with the family that weekend. I’ve been having a good ass time!

As ya’ll know from previous posts (and the entire point of this blog), I’ve been working to be in good health mentally and physically. Though 2020 threw a wrench in both of those journey’s, I’m definitely not where I used to be. Mentally, I feel great. I feel a little more confident in myself. I feel like I walk around with my head up a bit more. I feel a lot less worried about what others may be thinking about me. The self-love is starting to pop… Physically, yeah I gained weight during quarantine, but I have not lost my motivation to hit the gym and I’m feeling a bit more motivated to cook (motivation level is probably a 3 on a scale from 1 to 8, but it’s a start). Since I’m 40 now, I have to be more in-tune to what I am eating and how my body reacts to it. My main goal now is to get back into those clothes I bought in 2019 lol. While I do want that, I am still accepting my body at it’s current state. It’s beautiful, it’s my temple, and I cherish it (I’ll be posting nudes soon on The Gram… kidding… or am I???).

My main goal for my 40’s is to have a good time. Enjoy life as much as I can, with people I enjoy being around. I do want to explore a career change and create a little side business as well, so work will be involved, but definitely trying to work smarter, not harder. I’m ready to date (and fuck on somthin’); accepting previous dating mistakes, breaking this crazy cycle I had gotten myself, and looking forward to meeting new guys. There will be more home improvements, more communication and self -expression, and more blog posts… I’m 40 ya’ll!!

Open!

As of today Chicago is fully open! Establishments can be at 100% capacity. Yay… I guess lol. Initially I felt the reopening and getting back to the pre-covid “normal” was happening so fast! Like, why are we in such a rush to get back to crowded brunches, bars, festivals, and other too-close-for-comfort events? My anxiety was through the roof seeing mask requirements being removed and capacity limits increasing at indoor establishments. Though I, family, and close friends are vaccinated, I was still like “hol’ up, slow down”. As we can see, that hasn’t happened. Businesses want their bottom lines to go up, with little to no care for the health and safety of employees.

At this point, I am a little more at ease. Vaccination numbers seem to be on point in Chicago and the infection rates have really decreased. I am glad we are getting a grip on things, but I still feel society as a whole didn’t learn much from this experience. It’s really going to be every person for themselves in terms of a societal crisis. My mask will surly be on in crowded settings and the sanitizer is now a staple in my car and man-bag.

As we I ease back into things, I am looking forward to a good summer. I get to kick things off with celebrating my 40th birthday this month. I plan to do some small road trips to nearby cities I’ve never been to. I want to take the parents up to Lake Geneva for a quick, short getaway; they’ve never been. I also look forward to traveling to visit family and friends that live in other states. So, cheers to the reopening! Please continue to be safe and lets pay our respects to those we lost during these unprecedented times.

I’m Bored

Damn, two months since my last post? My bad. I really haven’t been doing shit though, hence the title… I work (at home), go the gym, might slid through the store, then come back home… I’m bored! Yes, I’ve done little projects around the house. Yes, I’m reading books. Yes, I’m taking a marketing class. However, I’m still in the house. Yes, I’m grateful for my place. Yes, I know I’m complaining. I just needed to get this out!!

Reset Progress!

It dawned on me that I didn’t do an update regarding my food Reset. The 10-day smoothie cleanse went great! Every smoothie recipe in the book was tasty; of course I had some favs. I did the full cleanse which consisted of three smoothies a day and healthy snacks between. My snacks consisted of carrots, unsalted tuna salad with vegan mayo and a hardboiled eggs, and pecans. I also did the recommended detox tea, liver cleanse supplement, a digestive system cleanse supplement, and I even found a detox soap for the skin.

Everything went smoothly. I was proud of myself for sticking to it with no mishaps. The first couple of days I went to the gym, but by day three I noticed extreme fatigue while working out, so I stopped going for a few days. I was able to go back around day 8 when I really started to feel energized. Once I completed the smoothie cleanse, I was down about 12 pounds; a nice reward for the effort.

Since the end of the cleanse, I still do a smoothie for breakfast, and sometimes for lunch as well. I’m getting better with portions and not over stuffing myself. I’ve been cooking a lot more. I definitely crave more healthy foods; I love salads now lol. My sweet tooth has calmed down a lot; I actually use a natural sweetener in my tea and I’ve found some recipes for healthier and vegan sweets which have really been good. As far as proteins, I use a plant-based protein powder in my smoothies, I’m only eating chicken and seafood, and I even switched to a plant-based pre-workout for when I hit the gym. I also still take the liver supplement since it’s suppose to help with stubborn belly fat.

Overall, I am feeling great! I love being able to eat without feeling bloated and exhausted afterword. My bowel movements are much more regular than before. I’m in the kitchen more. And, my weight is still going down slowly, but steady. I really feel like I’ve reset my relationship with food and hope to keep it up for a lifetime!

Sexual Anxiety

Have my other posts been TMI? I don’t think so, but this one may very well be. I was listing to the WRYH Podcast (Who Raised You Hoes) a while back and there was an episode where the conversation turned to anxiety and sex. After listening to the guys share some of their experiences, it dawned me… I too have experienced anxiety regarding sex and sexual performance.

As far as sexual activity, I still have a hard time being assertive about what I want and enjoy during a sexual encounter. I can talk about it all do long with friends and more recently my therapist, but I tense up when its time to express it to the person I want to be initiate with. Weird, right? Not 100% sure why that is, but I feel like it stems from triggers I’ve talked about before, in which expressing an interest, want, or need was met with negativity and rejection. There is a lot of shit I want to do sexually, that I have yet to do, because I’ve been anxious/afraid to express it. I’ll be 40 this year, WTF!

Another thing that gets to me is positioning. We (the gays) put a lot of emphasis on sexual positioning in order to measure compatibility. I get it, I don’t like it, but I get it. Folks like what they like and everyone is not going to practice versatility. I do though. I’ve had pleasurable experiences giving and receiving. However, I get anxious when it comes to topping. To make it plain, my dick is average at best. The love for the big, thick, third-leg dicks that’s commonly expressed within the community, makes me self-conscious and anxious. Guys have expressed interest in wanting me to top them and my mind immediately goes to the negative thinking – “Oh, I don’t measure up. He’s going to be disappointed when I whip it out. I’m not going to reach the second hole.” Mind you, the person hasn’t mentioned anything of the sorts. Yes, I’ve heard the saying “it’s the motion of the ocean”, but that damn anxiety doesn’t let a positive thought through when it steps in. Though penetration is not the end-all be-all for me, I want to be confident in what I’m bringing to the table and my performance.

Just like in my Affirming Myself post. I’m going to stop saying/thinking “I don’t measure up. I can’t please.” and start saying/thinking “This is me! It is what it is. I can’t change it. Take it (pun intended) or leave it!”

Reset!

Green Smoothie Cleanse

Remember my post about Toxic Relationships? Well it’s time to fix it! I’ve started the new year off doing a 10-day Green Smoothie Cleanse. The cleanse is supposed to help you reset your digestive system, as well as recalibrate your taste buds to where you will crave healthy foods! It’s a detox that I need to work. I’m so tired of not controlling what foods I put in my mouth, having junk be my go-to choices rather than nutritious items.

So far I am on day 5. I’ve surly experienced some of the side-affects noted in the book; fatigue, headaches, nausea, but I have kept going and I have not cheated. I’ve stuck with the smoothie and snack plan with no diversions! I’m also doing the recommended detox tea, colon cleanse, and liver cleanse supplements. I am so looking forward to achieving this goal and getting a fresh start on a healthier way of eating.