Cool and Laidback

Saw these posted on Instagram… They hit home…

I’ve definitely used “cool” as a way to describe myself. Just like the text in the images says, there’s really nothing “cool” about being that way.

Literally, just had a conversation with my therapist about how not being expressive, hiding emotions, not speaking up, and being “cool”, is derived from insecurity.

I will never use “cool” and “laidback” to describe myself again.

Career Anxiety

At first I was like, “is this a thing?” I did some googling and it turns out it is! I’ll be damned…

There were a few articles that came up describing it as being anxious about choosing the right career, or hopping from job to job as stay fresh and not fade away into a specific role, or being scared of learning new things as they may be too difficult and you don’t want to fail. I think my feelings are a tad different from these, but I do understand them.

I had been chatting with a few friends about not being fulfilled at work, so much so, that I was actually considering stepping down to a lower position (just in title and workload, pay would stay the same). I feel like I’ve become stagnant in my current role, only being the worker Bee, being the brains for others, and the role has not led to anything promising. I was thinking if I stepped down, I could regroup and try another route to change lanes. However, as one friend pointed out, I’d probably start feeling the same as I do now if I did step down.

I was feeling anxious about what to do next. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I feel like the job scene has moved light-years beyond my skillset. I was looking at my resume the other day thinking “this sounds whack”. I even Tweeted “I need my resume to go from “I mopped floors” to “Maintained and sanitized various flooring surfaces, with appropriate chemical solutions”… you know, give it a little razzle-dazzle. My software and computer skills are so specific to my current job, I don’t know much about what’s new in software applications outside of it. Plus, I have not interviewed for a job in years, what are those even like these days? To make it worse, I’ve even been letting my dad get in my head, smh.

However, the courage must be garnered to get something done, because I can’t take it much longer. I signed into LinkedIn for the first time in years (only to see that someone I trained and mentored is now doing extremely well, while I’m in the same spot), to set up some job searches. Did so on our industry website as well. I am now going claim, a pristine resume, advancement, fulfillment, more coins, and career happiness. Let’s go!

Quick Update…

A update on how the remainder of my 2021 went…

Traveling – After the trip to Mexico, I also went to Atlanta and Memphis. Atlanta is always a good time when I visit. I stayed at a really nice Hampton Inn & Suites in Midtown. My first time experiencing a hotel with the main lobby on the the top floor, rather than at the main entrance. The room was really nice, didn’t experience the bar or food, but I’d stay there again. I got to see and spend time with the majority of my friends down there. They always make sure I have a good time; love them!

Memphis was a good time as well. Drove down for a quick trip with a friend. Got there on a Friday evening, saw some sights on Saturday, and headed back home on Sunday. I drove all eight hours there and back. It felt good to get my car on the road. I’m usually not a fan of long distance drives, but this one wasn’t bad. Of course we hit Beale St., the Peabody Hotel for the duck walk, some good restaurants, and paid our respects at the Lorraine Motel. I like Memphis.

Holiday Season – Thanksgiving was cool. Had dinner at my cousin’s place. Way too many people in one apartment. Food was good as hell though and it was nice to see family I hadn’t seen in a while. Dad didn’t eat because it was too many people breathing over the food. It very well could have been a super spreader event, but no one got sick that I know of.

Fast forward to Christmas time and of course the holiday party invites rolled out. Got three invites for the same night. Was going to try to make it to at least two, but only went to one. I had a good time. Met some new people. There was this fine ass dude there that I wanted to chat up, but people were in his face all night… Hit a bar afterwards. Ending the night feeling good!

Tuesday rolls around, the host of the party said some people in attendance tested positive for Covid. I was feeling great. In the gym that whole week. Had dinner with a friend that week too. Then Friday night it started… a dry cough. Saturday, more symptoms appeared, I went and took three Covid tests; all came back negative. Continued to feel like shit, tested again that following Tuesday, both tests came back positive. I was down and out for two weeks. Quarantined for Christmas and NYE. Thankfully, I had already planned vacation time for the week between both holidays, so I got sleep in, eat, and sleep some more… All is well now. I feel amazing. I can taste food again! I never want to get sick like that again. Go get vaccinated and tested!

(Weekly Good Note: Great appointment with my nutritionist this week. We’re really coming up with good food plans that I believe I can stick to)

Beach Body

In a recent conversation with my therapist, I was telling him about my moment of sadness regarding my body, which sparked my previous post. I also told him I was going on vacation soon to a resort in Mexico. He asked if I was going to be comfortable going to the pool and beach, wearing a tank top or being topless. I knew there would be feelings of anxiousness, but I wanted to push through and not be worried about looks and stares.

Well that vacation just ended Sat, Sept 25th, and I must say I had a blast. Yes, I was anxious about being judged for my size. Yes, I was anxious about showing my chest. Yes, I tried to find pool chairs close to the pool so I could take my shirt off, then hop right in. However, I pushed through. Matter of fact, even went down to the beach and took a group picture with my friends; topless! Wanna see it? Here it go:

Cancun 2021; me in the red shorts

I’m proud of this picture. We all look great! I’m going to get this developed and framed!

Affirming Myself… Again

I recently had a moment of frustration regarding my body and struggle with food. It happens… I just know I cannot stay in that self-hating state for long. I also have to realize I now have the tools or at least have access to the tools that will help me reach my goals. Again, the negative things we repeat to ourselves can be detrimental. We have the power to change the story!

Things I’ll Stop SayingThings I’ll Say Moving Forward
My body is uglyI love my body and I’m taking care of it
I hate my chestMy chest makes me unique, it’s great (the boys love it)
I hate my wide backBroad backs are sexy
I can’t hold a conversationI converse about topics that heighten my interest
I have no personalityI’m witty, kind, adventurous, curious, a good person
I am not interestingI am intriguing; People remember me; I have many things going for myself
I’ll be along foreverFuck that! I’m going to gets me a Boo/Lover/Partner/Hubby
Changing My Story

40; Forty; Four-Tee

June 18th, 2021 marked my 40th trip around the Sun. I’m still in awe, like “wow, I’m really 40”. As the date approached I was feeling good; no dread and no pity party. Some self-reflection occurred, which did lead to some slight negative thoughts, such as “damn, I’m turning 40 with no Bae or potential Bae, and no kids”. Though true, those thoughts were short lived, because overall my life is great! I have what I need. I have support from family and friends. I’m employed. I have my home. I’ve done well.

I welcomed 40 with a simple celebration. I had a resort trip in mind, but didn’t plan it since I was not sure how “outside” was going to be with the pandemic still going on. I had a few of my favs join me in a beautiful garden space for dinner. It was a lovely evening with good food and drinks. Pride weekend was the following weekend, I turned up a bit. Went to a paint-and-sip, then the bar. Hit up Adults Night Out at the Zoo (it was whack). And, went up to North Halsted which was crazy packed. Black Pride weekend was then the following weekend lol. Went to a cocktail party held at the same outdoor space as my dinner. Went to an awesome day party the next day. I also spent time with the family that weekend. I’ve been having a good ass time!

As ya’ll know from previous posts (and the entire point of this blog), I’ve been working to be in good health mentally and physically. Though 2020 threw a wrench in both of those journey’s, I’m definitely not where I used to be. Mentally, I feel great. I feel a little more confident in myself. I feel like I walk around with my head up a bit more. I feel a lot less worried about what others may be thinking about me. The self-love is starting to pop… Physically, yeah I gained weight during quarantine, but I have not lost my motivation to hit the gym and I’m feeling a bit more motivated to cook (motivation level is probably a 3 on a scale from 1 to 8, but it’s a start). Since I’m 40 now, I have to be more in-tune to what I am eating and how my body reacts to it. My main goal now is to get back into those clothes I bought in 2019 lol. While I do want that, I am still accepting my body at it’s current state. It’s beautiful, it’s my temple, and I cherish it (I’ll be posting nudes soon on The Gram… kidding… or am I???).

My main goal for my 40’s is to have a good time. Enjoy life as much as I can, with people I enjoy being around. I do want to explore a career change and create a little side business as well, so work will be involved, but definitely trying to work smarter, not harder. I’m ready to date (and fuck on somthin’); accepting previous dating mistakes, breaking this crazy cycle I had gotten myself, and looking forward to meeting new guys. There will be more home improvements, more communication and self -expression, and more blog posts… I’m 40 ya’ll!!

Open!

As of today Chicago is fully open! Establishments can be at 100% capacity. Yay… I guess lol. Initially I felt the reopening and getting back to the pre-covid “normal” was happening so fast! Like, why are we in such a rush to get back to crowded brunches, bars, festivals, and other too-close-for-comfort events? My anxiety was through the roof seeing mask requirements being removed and capacity limits increasing at indoor establishments. Though I, family, and close friends are vaccinated, I was still like “hol’ up, slow down”. As we can see, that hasn’t happened. Businesses want their bottom lines to go up, with little to no care for the health and safety of employees.

At this point, I am a little more at ease. Vaccination numbers seem to be on point in Chicago and the infection rates have really decreased. I am glad we are getting a grip on things, but I still feel society as a whole didn’t learn much from this experience. It’s really going to be every person for themselves in terms of a societal crisis. My mask will surly be on in crowded settings and the sanitizer is now a staple in my car and man-bag.

As we I ease back into things, I am looking forward to a good summer. I get to kick things off with celebrating my 40th birthday this month. I plan to do some small road trips to nearby cities I’ve never been to. I want to take the parents up to Lake Geneva for a quick, short getaway; they’ve never been. I also look forward to traveling to visit family and friends that live in other states. So, cheers to the reopening! Please continue to be safe and lets pay our respects to those we lost during these unprecedented times.