Loss

Things I have lost since since 2020

  • Friends
  • Travel Group
  • Savings
  • Joy
  • Mental health progress
  • Weight loss progress
  • Family (RIP)
  • Mom (figuratively)
  • Hope

Some the fault of my own decisions and actions. Some out of my control. Some of fate. All I’m still grieving to an extent.

Stand Up!

I advocated for myself at work. I’m so proud.

I won’t go into detail, but after being passed up for a promotion, yet again, I was not pleased. I spoke up for myself during my recent performance review and recently notified Management of a decision I made for my benefit.

I was scared thinking about composing the email with my decision, but as I wrote, I felt a little empowered… Now I wait for next steps, but I’m happy I did something I have never done before!

Medication

I’ve been on an increased dosage of Wellbutrin for about a month now. It’s definitely helped me feel better; my mood has improved greatly…

Though it’s helped, when talking to my psychiatrist about my depression, a lot of the suggestions to progress out of the cycle were still non-meditation related. That made me start to wonder if I can or should come off of the medications I am taking…

I’ve heard the stories of people coming off their medications after feeling like they’ve resolved their mental impairments, then falling back into severe depression and/or anxiety. However, that may not happen to me.

I think I’m going to give it to the end of the year, then talk to my psychiatrist and therapist (yes, I have a team) about weaning off of the meds. My happiness and joy aren’t dependent upon medication right? We’ll see…

Social Media Break

My buddy Joshua, founder and creator of The Dream Incentive, suggested a social media break for this week. I was iffy at first, but decided to give it a shot. Y’all… this is tough lol. Even though I do not post a lot on social media, I tend to be on there all day looking at pics, reading posts, retweeting, “liking”, and so-on-and-so-forth. I did need a break though.

To stay occupied I have some fidget toys, downloaded audible to listen to some audiobooks, plan to watch some informational YouTube videos, and get back into Duo Lingo… Out of habit I did open twitter and Instagram yesterday, but immediately closed them when I realized what I was doing lol.

The goal is to get back to self, focus on self, recenter, rest, and connect with Spirit/God/Universe… I know I can get through this, it’s just wild to be thinking that I am missing out on stuff or that my social media “friends” are going to miss me lol. We’ll see how this goes, maybe I’ll extend to an extra week… MAYBE!

Lowest Of Lows

Two deaths in the family within a month of each other; a troubled financial situation due to a huge, unexpected expense; growing apart from friends; dealing with Mom’s cognitive decline; and struggling with my own uncertainty about the direction of my life… All the things that piled on to me and sunk me to low I had never experienced

Not showering for a week. Going through the motions at work. Going through the motions at the gym; while eating everything in sight. Feeling super lonely. Forcing social interactions. Feeling like I don’t want to exist anymore… All the things that happened as an effect of the aforementioned.

I’ve experienced periods of lows before, but this was different. One day I just broke down and cried for a few hours, after making it known on FB that I was struggling. I’m so grateful for the people that reached out. Also grateful for the therapy sessions I’ve had the past couple of weeks.

For now I’m just taking things day-by-day. I’ve been in good spirits this past week; hoping for brighter days and an enjoyable summer.

Not to play grief bingo, but I could check a few of these boxes

Sharing Is Caring

I was brought up under the impression that if people cared about what was going on you, they would ask… That’s how I’ve always been. If you ask me, I’m an open book. If you don’t, I’m a locked journal.

The thought of calling a friend like “Girl… guess what happened to me today?” Or “Girl… I’m so down right now”, is so uncomfortable to me… I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s been a struggle over the years and a criticism I’ve heard from people as well.

It’s also hard to share when a lot of the things going on are so negative. I don’t want to be the Debbie-downer, always calling with an issue. Who wants to be bothered with that? Though life isn’t always a highlight reel like most of our social media posts, in my mind it’s being a nuisance to lay your burdens onto other people.

I know I have to fix this. I’ve gotten too many confirmations that not using my voice and not being vulnerable, will only lead to further pain. I even had a tarot reading done not too long ago and this came up without me even mentioning it. I was shocked.

Trying to unlearn this shit is so damn hard. Taking the steps in the right direction is even harder. I want to try and I want to succeed. Pray for me.