Toxic Relationships

We’ve all heard the phrase “toxic relationships”. They’re the ones that may be physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically abusive. Really serving us no purpose, other than to say we’re in relationship. In some situations things may have started off well, then took a negative turn, and in other cases things may have been rocky from jump. It may take some time, but once we realize we deserve better we can gather the courage to leave. However, what do you do when the toxic relationship is with something, rather than someone, that you need to live? Again, you gather the courage and try to fix it! I’ve been in a toxic relationship with food for as long as I can remember. Yes, you read correctly, I said FOOD! (I love food, you don’t love food? What’s wrong wit you?)

Food is the bomb, but oh can it be toxic, especially when you gravitate toward sugar, fat, salt, and all those processed substances that pass for “food”. My addiction to fast food started early. I believe I mentioned in a previous post, that I did not enjoy majority of the foods my dad would cook, so I’d end up getting something from Burger King or McDonald’s. He’s from the south so he’d do plenty of “southern/soul foods” that just didn’t appease to me at the time. Yes, he’d try to force me to eat what was at the house, but eventually he and my mom would give in and take me out to get something. As you can imagine, I did not have a lot of fruits and vegetables. My lunches throughout grade school consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, with chips. My mom would try to switch it up and do a turkey sandwich, but it didn’t hit like the PB&J. Once I got to junior high and high school, where we could buy our lunches, that old cafeteria pizza, nachos, and burgers, took over.

Another way in which my relationship with food turned toxic, is that I used food to keep my company. Again, in a previous post I mentioned how I was alone a lot when I was younger. Both parents worked evenings/nights. They’d be home while I was at school, mom would be gone by the time I got home, dad would be sleep, then later heading out to work. Food was not only comforting, but kept me engaged, and was an afterschool friend.

As you can image, this has led to weight problems throughout my life. Thankfully, I never developed high blood pressure, diabetes, or other life threatening illnesses, outside of obesity itself. It’s also the reason why my eight yo-yo’s so much. I can make temporary changes to get some weight off, but I soon revert back to type. I was doing so good with my weight before quarantine hit. I haven’t totally gained all my weight back, but it’s close. Food has been keeping me company while I’m in this big ole house by myself. And, no it’s not food I’ve been cooking. It’s ordering out! Cooking is another thing I have a toxic relationship with.

Seeing how I was not eating majority of foods cooked at home, there was no shadowing mom or dad in the kitchen. Not even when they did make items I liked (except pancakes and grits). I let them rock and came in when it was time to eat. Cooking to me is a chore, not enjoyable, and since I know nothing about seasoning, flavors, and preparing most things, I just don’t do it. This must end though!

I am now seeking treatment to help me curve these issues and fix my toxic relationships with food and cooking. I’ve found a support group that I plan to attend and found some literature that will hopefully help as well. I talk about my food with my therapist and I’m about to work on food plan and food rules. I really hope I can reverse my mindset about the types of food I eat and the preparation of those foods. It really is like an addiction. Sugar, fat, and salt be calling me ya’ll. There’s something about eating till I get full and can’t move, that gives me a rush. It’s a high. Pray for strength!

Chile…

Remember when we shut down in April, and people were rescheduling events for Sept/Oct/Nov… Well shit, Nov is just about over, December is pulling up, 2021 is on her way, and we’re in worse shape now! Who would have thought protecting ourselves and others would turn into a political issue, with people saying their rights are being violated for asking them to take precautions? United States, my ass. In the words of Kandi Burruss “this is crazy”.

Any-who! On my last personal update I believe I mentioned teeter-tottering between being fine and losing it. My psychiatrist had even suggested increasing my medication to help with my mood, which I did, and it helped. As of recently though, I’ve gone back to my previous dosage. Things have been cool overall. I’ve done little projects around the house, still have a few in the works. I’ve done a little bit of gathering with friends; we did outdoor dining, a picnic, a bbq, Top Golf, and we’ve gone bowling a few times. Even tried to date a little bit, but that fell flat (I did sign up for Match.com, so we’ll see).

With 2020 wrapping up and vaccines on the horizon, I am optimistic about 2021. I do feel like some things will forever be changed, so we’ll just adjust to our next new normal. For the remainder of this year, I want to focus on getting my eating habits and cooking skills together. I want to read more. I want to break away from social media a bit; already working on Facebook. And, I want to work on my friendships and communication.

Side Bar: This made me sad…

Jerry Harris

A lot of people do not know this, but I have always been fascinated with Cheerleaders and Cheerleading as a whole. In high school I loved going to the basketball and football games, not for those sports, but the sport taking place on the sidelines. I low-key wanted to be one, but did not have to courage to breakout and be the first at my school. The tumbling, the stunting, the robot dancing (lol), all of it astonished me. Love catching the collegiate completions on ESPN or Youtube, and when the Nextflix series “Cheer” came about, I was front and center.

I loved Cheer front start to finish. Everyone they highlighted had an endearing story, but the stand out “star” of the show was Jerry Harris. I’m like, okay look at this chubby dude out here doing his thing, that could have been me… He gained a little bit of fan from the show. His engaging personality and encouraging “mat talk”, had many loving him…

When this story broke about the FBI looking into some sexual misconduct activities, I was legit shocked! I had mixed emotions and feelings. Part of me was like, here we go, he gets a little bit of fame and now someone is trying to pull him down. However, the other part of was like, when allegations are made we have to believe them and investigate. Then, today’s news about him being arrested, charged, and admitting to soliciting minors for inappropriate images, I was hurt. I feel for the minors involved, but I still feel for him as well. We’ll see how things pan out, but you do the crime, you do the time… Damn…