Side Bar: This made me sad…

Jerry Harris

A lot of people do not know this, but I have always been fascinated with Cheerleaders and Cheerleading as a whole. In high school I loved going to the basketball and football games, not for those sports, but the sport taking place on the sidelines. I low-key wanted to be one, but did not have to courage to breakout and be the first at my school. The tumbling, the stunting, the robot dancing (lol), all of it astonished me. Love catching the collegiate completions on ESPN or Youtube, and when the Nextflix series “Cheer” came about, I was front and center.

I loved Cheer front start to finish. Everyone they highlighted had an endearing story, but the stand out “star” of the show was Jerry Harris. I’m like, okay look at this chubby dude out here doing his thing, that could have been me… He gained a little bit of fan from the show. His engaging personality and encouraging “mat talk”, had many loving him…

When this story broke about the FBI looking into some sexual misconduct activities, I was legit shocked! I had mixed emotions and feelings. Part of me was like, here we go, he gets a little bit of fame and now someone is trying to pull him down. However, the other part of was like, when allegations are made we have to believe them and investigate. Then, today’s news about him being arrested, charged, and admitting to soliciting minors for inappropriate images, I was hurt. I feel for the minors involved, but I still feel for him as well. We’ll see how things pan out, but you do the crime, you do the time… Damn…

Will You Go With Me? ctn.

Not much dating took place in college, but hooking up happened. I was in undergrad when AOL chat rooms, Yahoo Messenger, College Club, Black Planet, and other online sites were popping. Those were my solace. I still was not completely comfortable with my sexuality, so online provided a space where I could explore. Plus, I had no clue how to approach, flirt, or express interest in a guy face-to-face. I was way too scared and my “gay-dar” wasn’t tuned yet, so I dare not try to flirt and dude ends up being straight, and I then have to fight.

The chat rooms were a mess, fun at times, but definitely a mess. That’s were I learned some lingo (A/S/L?) and where I quickly learned that being fat was frowned upon, also, just because they express interest, doesn’t mean they want anything more than the dick and/or ass. The rooms and other online spaces also let me know I wasn’t the only one hiding in the shadows on campus, and before it had a name, Cat-Fishing was a thing back then as well (I may have even done a little myself… well not “may”, I did… SMH lol). There were a couple of guys I crushed on hard, found them online somehow, but was just too scared and insecure to even present myself online to them… SMH

As awkward and unsure of myself as I was, there were a few guys I mustered up the courage to actually meet offline. Lost my virginity to a down-low Greek; we hooked up somewhat regularly till he graduated (whew, he had the fattest ass; sorry). Had a couple more regular hook-ups, even messed around with someone I worked with in my later years on campus. That’s all it was though, no dating, no romance, no courting, no intimacy. Just sex. I think that’s when I started to equate sex to what makes me valuable, rather than who I was as a person. I still struggle with that. And, honestly, I had no clue who I was as a person at that time.

Even with my college antics, I still didn’t know what it meant to date someone, be intimate outside of sex, or communicate and express feelings with someone I found attractive. “Will you go with, circle yes or no”, is cute for adolescence, but does not work when you are grown. Things from childhood really do create a chain of events, because as mentioned in previous posts, communication, expressing feelings, and showing affection, were not a big presence for me growing up. With that, as I transitioned from college to the “real world”, I received several slaps in the face from then till now…

Will You Go With Me?

Circle “Yes” or “No”

In your younger years, did you ever slide one of those notes to someone you were crushing on? I did! 8th grade, Algebra class, Nicole F******n, she said “no” lol. I had a huge crush on her, she was so cool, very cute, and intelligent. She did let me down somewhat easy, stating we’d be a different high schools the following year, but still, a no is a no. And, yes at that time I was noticing by attraction to the boys, but I definitely was not acting on it, so I played it “straight”.

Not much happened for me in High School in this area either. I had a girlfriend for about a month, who turned into one of my bestfriends to this very day. Other than her and the random girl I took to prom, dating was nonexistent. At this time, I surly knew I liked boys, had several boy crushes in high school, but again, no way I was taking action. I kept to myself, felt like I was the only one, though that proved to be untrue after leaving high school and bumping into old classmates at the gay club or pride events, but at that time I felt I was on my own. I got picked on, was called gay, since I wasn’t as “hard” as some of the other boys. They had no confirmation, but you know how school kids are, and of course I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of being right, so I continued to hide in the shadows. I knew of no groups, nor had anyone to talk to about my sexuality, so it was suppressed… till I got to college…


Happy Birthday to me! I have reached the final year of my thirties!

My thirties have been interesting. Mid to late thirties has been an awakening with much sunshine, while my early thirties were cloudy and gloomy. I believe I mentioned in my 1st or 2nd post on here, how everything with my anxiety and depression came front and center in my early thirties.

Spent a lot of time overthinking, not sharing my voice, not doing a lot of the things I wanted to do, and spent a lot time alone. Things began to turn around 36/37. Started therapy. Started on a health and fitness journey. Became enlightened about my behaviors and things to work on. And since then, things have been on the up and up!

As I prepare to close out my thirties, I look forward to even more progress! More love. More communication. More sharing. More vulnerability. More passion. More movement. More insight!

Happy birthday to me! Let’s go get em!