Will You Go With Me? ctn.

Not much dating took place in college, but hooking up happened. I was in undergrad when AOL chat rooms, Yahoo Messenger, College Club, Black Planet, and other online sites were popping. Those were my solace. I still was not completely comfortable with my sexuality, so online provided a space where I could explore. Plus, I had no clue how to approach, flirt, or express interest in a guy face-to-face. I was way too scared and my “gay-dar” wasn’t tuned yet, so I dare not try to flirt and dude ends up being straight, and I then have to fight.

The chat rooms were a mess, fun at times, but definitely a mess. That’s were I learned some lingo (A/S/L?) and where I quickly learned that being fat was frowned upon, also, just because they express interest, doesn’t mean they want anything more than the dick and/or ass. The rooms and other online spaces also let me know I wasn’t the only one hiding in the shadows on campus, and before it had a name, Cat-Fishing was a thing back then as well (I may have even done a little myself… well not “may”, I did… SMH lol). There were a couple of guys I crushed on hard, found them online somehow, but was just too scared and insecure to even present myself online to them… SMH

As awkward and unsure of myself as I was, there were a few guys I mustered up the courage to actually meet offline. Lost my virginity to a down-low Greek; we hooked up somewhat regularly till he graduated (whew, he had the fattest ass; sorry). Had a couple more regular hook-ups, even messed around with someone I worked with in my later years on campus. That’s all it was though, no dating, no romance, no courting, no intimacy. Just sex. I think that’s when I started to equate sex to what makes me valuable, rather than who I was as a person. I still struggle with that. And, honestly, I had no clue who I was as a person at that time.

Even with my college antics, I still didn’t know what it meant to date someone, be intimate outside of sex, or communicate and express feelings with someone I found attractive. “Will you go with, circle yes or no”, is cute for adolescence, but does not work when you are grown. Things from childhood really do create a chain of events, because as mentioned in previous posts, communication, expressing feelings, and showing affection, were not a big presence for me growing up. With that, as I transitioned from college to the “real world”, I received several slaps in the face from then till now…

Will You Go With Me?

Circle “Yes” or “No”

In your younger years, did you ever slide one of those notes to someone you were crushing on? I did! 8th grade, Algebra class, Nicole F******n, she said “no” lol. I had a huge crush on her, she was so cool, very cute, and intelligent. She did let me down somewhat easy, stating we’d be a different high schools the following year, but still, a no is a no. And, yes at that time I was noticing by attraction to the boys, but I definitely was not acting on it, so I played it “straight”.

Not much happened for me in High School in this area either. I had a girlfriend for about a month, who turned into one of my bestfriends to this very day. Other than her and the random girl I took to prom, dating was nonexistent. At this time, I surly knew I liked boys, had several boy crushes in high school, but again, no way I was taking action. I kept to myself, felt like I was the only one, though that proved to be untrue after leaving high school and bumping into old classmates at the gay club or pride events, but at that time I felt I was on my own. I got picked on, was called gay, since I wasn’t as “hard” as some of the other boys. They had no confirmation, but you know how school kids are, and of course I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of being right, so I continued to hide in the shadows. I knew of no groups, nor had anyone to talk to about my sexuality, so it was suppressed… till I got to college…

Thirty-Nine!

Happy Birthday to me! I have reached the final year of my thirties!

My thirties have been interesting. Mid to late thirties has been an awakening with much sunshine, while my early thirties were cloudy and gloomy. I believe I mentioned in my 1st or 2nd post on here, how everything with my anxiety and depression came front and center in my early thirties.

Spent a lot of time overthinking, not sharing my voice, not doing a lot of the things I wanted to do, and spent a lot time alone. Things began to turn around 36/37. Started therapy. Started on a health and fitness journey. Became enlightened about my behaviors and things to work on. And since then, things have been on the up and up!

As I prepare to close out my thirties, I look forward to even more progress! More love. More communication. More sharing. More vulnerability. More passion. More movement. More insight!

Happy birthday to me! Let’s go get em!

Pandemic Pause

Didn’t we all have high hopes for 2020? The year started off great! I was feeling good, energy was up, body was looking good, I was being social, celebrated mom’s 70th, traveled to ATL, met some online friends for the first time, even got a crushes number at the club. Then, skrrrrrrttt! Everything comes to a halt!

I do not know the exact timeline, but I want to say the news surrounding C-19 (I’m not using the full name in case posts are being flagged) started picking up toward the end of February. Italy was seeing a lot of cases, but it was still a whisper here in the states. I had friends that traveled to Italy in March, who made it back to the states literally days before Italy shut down. Thankfully, they had no health issues. I got sick after returning from Atlanta in March, and panicked a little bit, but the ER doc assured me it was just a sinus infection (they weren’t even doing testing for C-19 at the time). Shortly after that, events get canceled left and right, places start shutting down, cities went on lock down, and I end up working from home for the indefinite future (still as of the date of this post).

Sheltering in place threw me for a loop initially. As an introvert I thought I would be fine. I’d lounge, I’d eat, watch some tv, and rest up. Chile… after the first week or so I was on edge! Working from home 5 days a week (6 or 7 with OT), was not that easy initially. Especially, when you cannot go out and do something afterward to break the monotony. My mood was all over the place. Some days were good, other days I was sad with low energy. It was kind of like that Ari Lennox song “New Apartment”, where she realizes she actually needs people and not sure her apartment. I used to say I was an introvert with a twist, meaning I enjoy my quiet, but like to be an out and about as well. That has proved to be true during this time!

Adjustments were made and eventually I mellowed out. Therapy sessions turned into Facetime sessions, as well as other doc appointments. Friends gathered on Zoom, which I had never heard of before this started, even did a Zoom B-day dinner for one friend (that may be the case for mine next week too). Masks became the norm for grocery runs. Contactless delivery from Grub Hub and them. DJ’s going on IG live to brighten our spirits. Social media popping off to stay connected and entertained. Even a few more hits on the “dating” apps. (Side Note: This actually would be a good time to get to know someone new; endless conversations till in person dates can be done again, but I just haven’t been feeling it).

Thankfully I found ways to stay occupied. I painted a bedroom. Organized closets. Got rid of old paperwork and clothes. Finished decorating my office. And, I’ve been browsing other home improvements I can get the ball rolling on. That felt good. I also bought some more plants to take care of, which made me happy as well. Money I saved from eating out and transportation went into my investment accounts. Plus, I’ve been able to make a good dent in my student loan payments while they’re in forbearance. Oh!! I cut my hair myself and even tried a new look; a bald head! I still miss physical contact and the energy I get from other people. I kind of feel like I’ve regressed in some of the steps I’ve made in therapy, especially around my social anxiety, but I have to remind myself that is not true. This has definitely been an unprecedented time, but we will make it through!

Nature and Nurture… FIN.

Whew, damn! Over a month since my last post.  I did not mean for that to happen lol.  You’d think with shelter-in-place going on, I’d have knocked out several posts, but my mood has been all over the place during this time (more on that later).  The last thing I wanted to mention in the Nature and Nurture series is anxiety.  I touched on how portions of my upbringing affected (wait is it effected?) my communication skills and my confidence, now let’s get into the anxiousness.

When I tell you both of my parents have undiagnosed anxiety disorders, I kid you not!  Of course, I did not get it at the time, but in reflecting on things in therapy, I’m like damn…  that’s why they did some of the things they did, when I was growing up.  Coming up, some of things I wanted to try/participate in, were met with fear, worry, and sometimes anger.  I know parents worry about their kids, my mom chalks it up to “a mother’s love”, but there is a difference between worry and concern. 

In my mind, and correct me if I’m wrong, concern is “okay, you want do that… have you considered this, that, and the third? Oh, you did? Well good, go do it and be the best at it”… Worry and fear is “why do you want to do that?? You don’t know anything about that. It’s always something. You’re never satisfied. I don’t know about that”…  You see the difference?  The latter was usually my experience. It was so overwhelming. It got to a point where I didn’t even want to mention my ideas or plans, because of the negativity it was met with.  Even in my adult years, I have trouble telling them (and friends and family) about what’s going on, because I’m pretty much conditioned to expect a negative reaction.  It’s terrible!

I will say, things have changed a bit as they’ve gotten older.  I still have a hard time telling them things, but when I do, they are more receptive, listen, and don’t try to trigger fear.  Toward the beginning of the year, I told my dad I was seeing a therapist for anxiety.  Surprisingly, we had a little dialogue about it, with him acknowledging that I got that from him, and encouraged me to keep going if it was helping.  I was surprised.  I also find them making small comments about things, wanting me to open up and share what’s going on with me.  Now, I’m the one still struggling with releasing those things from the past and progressing to having a more open relationship with them.  This is a lot.

Any-who, those are my big three areas that need the most work.  Communication. Confidence.  Overcoming fear and anxiety.  All a result of nature and nurture.  Progress has been made, but the road is long, with many obstacles and detours.  I’m ready for the journey though!

Nature and Nurture cont.

How does one acquire confidence, when their biggest critic is the one that birthed and raised them? It’s tough! How do you learn to be proud of yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself in and out, when the criticism out weighed the praise? Chile… even tougher! How does one make it through life being so unsure of themselves? You can, life will happen to you though, rather than setting your own course.

My dad loathed that I was (still am) fat. I plumped in grade school. Wanted PB&J’s in my lunch, rather than turkey sandwiches, and my affinity for eating out developed due to not liking what was cooked at home (this still plagues me, whew). Like most kids I was forced to sit and finish my cabbage, but anytime I could get Burger King or White Castle, I was there (especially when I was with mom)! Most things I did wrong, my dad blamed it on me being fat. If I fell, it was the fat. Got sick… the fat’s fault. Got teased at school… my fault, for being fat. I remember he tried to sign me up for this pee-wee football league, which I didn’t want to do at all. Thankfully, I was too fat for my age category (yea, fat) and couldn’t do it. I was pleased, he was pissed. My lack of interest in anything sports related, was not met with elation. Eventually, I was signed up for Karate lessons, which I grew to enjoy (have my Black belt, so don’t try it), but if I lost a sparring match; that’s right, it was the fat!

Body positivity was not a phrase that was heard of back then, at least not for me. Being fat was just a straight up negative characteristic. My body I never really loved, never was quite comfortable in my own skin. To this day I still struggle with feeling secure in my size, love handles, man-boobs, some saggy skin, and big back. I’m getting there though. As you can imagine, the negative self-talk started early for me. I never wanted to draw too much attention to myself, fearing the first thing out of someone’s mouth would be how fat I was. That kept me from expressing myself, participating in some activities, and had playing small as to not take up too much space figuratively and literally.

The two things that did give me a bit of confidence was that fact that I was a tad smart and being talented enough to learn musical instruments. Though not a straight A student, I did well enough to consistently make the honor roll and be inducted into the National Junior Honor Society in middle school. I started playing the clarinet in grade school, then transitioned to the tenor sax in middle school, playing it throughout high school. I participated in a few solo competitions and placed well. The praise from teachers let me know I was doing something right, and gave me a boost. Kept the parents pleased which gave a little boost as well. The only thing with that, is it kind of led to lookin for my confidence through compliments from others, which led to trying to be pleasing to others or trying to prove them wrong if they doubted me. Yes praise and acknowledgment from others feels good, but there she be a level of self-confidence within, that is not based on others. I lacked that for a while.

I do not want this to sound like a complete sob story, and again my childhood was not one of tragedy and trauma. I’m just covering some developmental items that have had long lasting effects on how I’ve navigated through life. First communication (see previous post), now confidence, next, I’ll share how anxiety ties in to all of this.

Nature and Nurture

Anxious, (somewhat) introverted, quiet man, meets anxious, (definitely) introverted, quiet woman. They date, fall in a love, have an anxious, introverted, quiet son, then eventually get married. Anyone who goes to therapy can tell you, as you begin to dig into various situations and happenings, a lot of them stem from childhood. It’s no different for me. Of course I love my parents, they did their best, but looking back, I can tell how I acquired some not so positive traits from them. From poor communication skills, to issues with confidence, and of course the kicker – anxiety.

Communication deeper than surface level stuff never really happened. From what I can remember prior to high school, mom worked an evening shift and dad worked a morning shift. I’d get picked up from elementary school by someone from KinderCare Day Care Center and I’d stay at their facilities till dad picked me up once he got off. I’d rarely see mom during the week. Dad was a bit of a hot head too, getting ticked at the silliest stuff; anger was the only emotion he expressed well. I remember writing notes to my mom about him getting upset and not liking him. I’d leave them under a kitchen table mat, she’d read them once she got home, and write something back, leaving her note under my pillow. That happened for a little while, till dad found one my notes to her and deaded that secret communication. Dad didn’t want to be bothered too much, he’d check homework, get on me about cleaning up; typical dad stuff, but no conversations about growing up, becoming a man, what do you want to be when you grow up, girls (*giggles*), or other typical “boy” things. I hung with mom on the weekends, tagged along with her to her bowling league. Again, not much conversation with her either. I was a lowkey kid, no major issues at school (outside of being a cry baby), so I guess they figured I was fine.

As high school came around, there was a shift. Dad had lost a job, found a new one, but now both parents would be working nights. Mom left around 3pm and dad was leaving around 9pm; I’d be home alone till mom got back around midnight and sometimes 1am, if she had to stay later (thank God never ever happened). As I got involved in things in high school, and had stay after, she’d be gone and dad would be in the bed resting up for his shift by the time I’d get home. I’d eat an already prepared dinner, do my homework, then watch TV. I had a few friends, but I was never much of a pick-up the phone and talk person (that hasn’t changed much; yikes). Pleasantries would be exchanged with dad when he woke up, but that’s it. He’d leave and I’d head up to bed. This was the routine throughout high school.

Now trust, I know my parents were doing what they had to, to provide a good living. I’m totally thankful for that. I just wish there had been a little more concentration on the child/teen development piece. We didn’t talk about feelings, how to process different kinds of situations kids may experience, and not a whole lot of pep-talks or conversations about the future. Of course I obtained some social skills from teachers and schoolmates, but that foundation was missing at home.

I’ll get into the confidence and anxiety on a later post…

40 And Something New

40mg has been the magic dosage for me. I’ve been on it for a little over a month now. I wouldn’t say I feel like a new person, but I feel more present. It’s helped me focus on my cognitive behavioral exercises, leading to a decrease in the negative self talk. My overthinking has subsided a bit, which is a major relief. Of course I still get nervous and concerned about things, but those nerves haven’t turned in severe worrying and dreadfulness like before. The physical symptoms I used to experience have pretty much disappeared. The racing heart, sweating, shortness of breath, and tightness in my chest are not there. I also think more of my personality is starting to show. I’m not living in my head, overthinking and being anxious about responses to things, nor worrying so much about what other people are thinking about me. I’m just being!

The initial side effects when introduced to the 40mg were the same as before. However, I started to notice something else… my libido decreasing. Feel free to skip this part, if it’s TMI, but I must inform! It would take nothing for me to get an erection, but now I noticed not being as “hard” as before, and needing a little extra stimulation to stay “up”. I also noticed it taking significantly longer for me to climax. With self-pleasure, I could pop one off easily, but even that was taking longer than what I was used to. It scared me a bit, but even that side effect seemed to subside a bit after being on that dosage for a while. That is until an additional medication was added to my regimen… Trazodone.

Tazodone was added to help me sleep. I’ve had sleep issues for a while now. I developed sleep-apnea due to prior weight gain, plus I live in a poorly built condo where little to no sound proofing was done between the units; I can hear every foot step my upstairs neighbors take, in addition to hearing their TV, alarm going off in the morning, loud conversation… everything!! It sucks!! Any-who, I tried to pop some Melatnoine, but even that was not helping me stay sleep. My psychiatrist recommended Trazodone at 50mg, so I tried it. I was a bit concerned about taking more meds, but that went out the window once I took it and slept like a baby. My sleep has been great, really only waking up to use the bathroom, but again a hit to my libido was taken. I could get aroused, but climaxing was not happening. Self-pleasuring in the morning was out. I tried once and could not climax after about 30 minutes and wasting about 6 pumps of my good lube! Tried a few more times in the morning and got the same results. It’s still an issue now, but I’ve learned to work around it; basically, not self-pleasuring in the morning any more. Also with the Trazodone, the sluggishness in the morning can be pretty drastic. It’ll take me a minute to get moving and i’ll be drowsy for maybe an hour after waking up. However, again, the sleep has been the bomb, so I can deal with that!

Overall, I feel a nice balance with my medication treatment. I’m happy and glad this is working for me. Now that I’ve caught you up on present happenings, but now we’re going to take it back… way back! How did things even get to this point? As with most things, it starts at childhood. Stay tuned…