Sexual Anxiety

Have my other posts been TMI? I don’t think so, but this one may very well be. I was listing to the WRYH Podcast (Who Raised You Hoes) a while back and there was an episode where the conversation turned to anxiety and sex. After listening to the guys share some of their experiences, it dawned me… I too have experienced anxiety regarding sex and sexual performance.

As far as sexual activity, I still have a hard time being assertive about what I want and enjoy during a sexual encounter. I can talk about it all do long with friends and more recently my therapist, but I tense up when its time to express it to the person I want to be initiate with. Weird, right? Not 100% sure why that is, but I feel like it stems from triggers I’ve talked about before, in which expressing an interest, want, or need was met with negativity and rejection. There is a lot of shit I want to do sexually, that I have yet to do, because I’ve been anxious/afraid to express it. I’ll be 40 this year, WTF!

Another thing that gets to me is positioning. We (the gays) put a lot of emphasis on sexual positioning in order to measure compatibility. I get it, I don’t like it, but I get it. Folks like what they like and everyone is not going to practice versatility. I do though. I’ve had pleasurable experiences giving and receiving. However, I get anxious when it comes to topping. To make it plain, my dick is average at best. The love for the big, thick, third-leg dicks that’s commonly expressed within the community, makes me self-conscious and anxious. Guys have expressed interest in wanting me to top them and my mind immediately goes to the negative thinking – “Oh, I don’t measure up. He’s going to be disappointed when I whip it out. I’m not going to reach the second hole.” Mind you, the person hasn’t mentioned anything of the sorts. Yes, I’ve heard the saying “it’s the motion of the ocean”, but that damn anxiety doesn’t let a positive thought through when it steps in. Though penetration is not the end-all be-all for me, I want to be confident in what I’m bringing to the table and my performance.

Just like in my Affirming Myself post. I’m going to stop saying/thinking “I don’t measure up. I can’t please.” and start saying/thinking “This is me! It is what it is. I can’t change it. Take it (pun intended) or leave it!”

Published by GilySJ

Born and raised in the Chicago area. I like to call myself an introvert with a twist; enjoy being out and about, but love my time at home the most! Lover of food, music, performing and visual arts, travel, financial wellbeing, and philanthropy!

One thought on “Sexual Anxiety

  1. I think many of us, as gay men, can relate to this, especially in the Black, gay community. Sex is still a bit of a taboo topic even though it’s everywhere in society. We have to learn to be more comfortable identifying as sexual beings who have sexual desires. I also think we put way too much weight on sexual “roles” and the size of the dick or the thickness of the ass. It definitely should not be this complicated for something that is deemed so enjoyable. I encourage you to definitely start affirming yourself when it comes to your sexual nature and I hope others will do the same. You are more than enough!


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