Not much dating took place in college, but hooking up happened. I was in undergrad when AOL chat rooms, Yahoo Messenger, College Club, Black Planet, and other online sites were popping. Those were my solace. I still was not completely comfortable with my sexuality, so online provided a space where I could explore. Plus, I had no clue how to approach, flirt, or express interest in a guy face-to-face. I was way too scared and my “gay-dar” wasn’t tuned yet, so I dare not try to flirt and dude ends up being straight, and I then have to fight.
The chat rooms were a mess, fun at times, but definitely a mess. That’s were I learned some lingo (A/S/L?) and where I quickly learned that being fat was frowned upon, also, just because they express interest, doesn’t mean they want anything more than the dick and/or ass. The rooms and other online spaces also let me know I wasn’t the only one hiding in the shadows on campus, and before it had a name, Cat-Fishing was a thing back then as well (I may have even done a little myself… well not “may”, I did… SMH lol). There were a couple of guys I crushed on hard, found them online somehow, but was just too scared and insecure to even present myself online to them… SMH
As awkward and unsure of myself as I was, there were a few guys I mustered up the courage to actually meet offline. Lost my virginity to a down-low Greek; we hooked up somewhat regularly till he graduated (whew, he had the fattest ass; sorry). Had a couple more regular hook-ups, even messed around with someone I worked with in my later years on campus. That’s all it was though, no dating, no romance, no courting, no intimacy. Just sex. I think that’s when I started to equate sex to what makes me valuable, rather than who I was as a person. I still struggle with that. And, honestly, I had no clue who I was as a person at that time.
Even with my college antics, I still didn’t know what it meant to date someone, be intimate outside of sex, or communicate and express feelings with someone I found attractive. “Will you go with, circle yes or no”, is cute for adolescence, but does not work when you are grown. Things from childhood really do create a chain of events, because as mentioned in previous posts, communication, expressing feelings, and showing affection, were not a big presence for me growing up. With that, as I transitioned from college to the “real world”, I received several slaps in the face from then till now…
Anxious Courage 